So French English teachers – I met a few, right? Those who passed their exam (or took it even) had to study lewis and clark, so they know Missouri really well. And the definitely know St. Louis b/c guess where Lewis and Clark left from? St. Louis? (I thought it was Independence, but maybe I’m just thinking about the Oregon Trail game…banker from boston, y’all! RIP pepperoni and chease)
They have to study Coriolanus for the next exam ( a lot of ppl don’t pass, like, 1500 out of 5000) and like, how boring does Shakespeare get, really? Like, Coriolanus is it. It is the most boring Shakespeare play ever. I only know it b/c it was in a scandalous part of the song, “Brush up your Shakespeare” from Kiss Me Kate. I wonder if I can teach the French how to say “like” all the time just like me. I’ve discovered I say, “like” a lot and “I mean,” at the beginning of sentences, and I also say “its annoying that…” – and I don’t know the word for annoying. To the dictionary! I also don’t know the word for “spell.”
Solène knows words like velvet in English – impressive! I tried to teach her how to say “jk” and “omg” – but I realized I would be making her sound like a semi-weirdo/13-year-old/me by doing so, but then I realized that if I met a Frenchie who said, “OMG, zees eeez amazeeeng!” I would think they were the coooooolest French person EVER. I tried to teach Solene about “holla back” – its only a matter of time until I have her saying “rep yo citaaaay!” --- did you know that rappers and like, cool kids in france say, “big up” when they really mean to say Holla, or like shout out, or something. Like, good try, but no rapper would ever say, “Big Up to Snoop” or whatever. I’m not expert, but I really don’t think it would happen. I saw a French rap video, and it was pretty good, the French part was a little confusing/funny to me, but one thing I thought the whole time was, “ French rap videos: why are they playing basketball?” Does ANYONE in France play basketball? That is like playing lacrosse or like, Beirut/beer pong in a video. Americans do these sports for American reasons, right? There aren’t any basketball teams that will pay you big bucks in France – so in your rap video about the street, mr. French rapper MC man, why do you have street lookin’ people shootin’ hoops? They have no hope for social mobility in a measly hobby of street hoops! basketball!? Make them play soccer! Or better yet, have them play “go to university”?
Or at least have them shaking a polaroid picture, or getting their eagle on.
Come on.
Take your cues from the RIGHT rappers, France!
Don’t even get me started on the French people dancing hip hop I saw on the French version of American Idol (which I LOVED)….it was like, all the cheese you could hope for from American Idol but don’t get. Plus, there’s the added element of big-brother, so its quite comprehensive. And Pink sang! She did not understand French. But there were back up dancers, and like, wow, even when they were doing semi-interpretive stuff they were just not good. But I love hip hoppin’ French people, who am I kidding?! It’s got that awesomely bad silver lining that I am so often drawn to.
Speaking of awesomely bad, not only are there no French clip shows (do the French know how to make fun of themselves/are they capable of it? Submit your essays in the commentary section) …. There’s no phrase with the same caché as “best ___ ever.”
It bums me out.
I have to find all new phrases. It’s probably a good thing, since when I speak French I say about 10 different sentences all mixed up, and I always make sure to throw in a bunch of French-looking weird faces and sounds. I think it is working and that people understand me, though I do NOT think anyone at all thinks I am French. I have had mostly English dreams, though I did have ONE in French with English subtitles, and no I am not trying to be cute. It really happened (in my dream). It was a good translation, too.
Anywah, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him French. …which reminds me, dirt came out of my faucet when I first turned it on today. Its ok, I’m used to well water from the farm, so I thought it was just iron in the water, but it was dirt. Lucky for me I’m very ok with dirt. Its not dirty anymore, though! I am a little bit, but I’m really not looking forward to using the Camp Tuckahoe showers they have going here in the super old-school dorms. I hope to metaphorically drink the French water if that means like, being fluent. But I’m not so sure about the devoid of technology prison-y dorms. It’s waaaay too Camus for me. (Bonus points for existentialism reference: 15)
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